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Culture Girl/Modern Disney Is Near Death
It begins with Lauren watching the live-action remake of Cinderella at home while eating popcorn. *'Lauren:' Wow! This is total shit! They basically took the same premise as the cartoon one and they found a way to make one of my favorite actresses suck, twice, wait, no, thrice! She shows the two Alice reboots. *'Lauren:' Hell I only like three, yes three of these cash ins. What happened to you, Disney? You used to be more creative! I expected this from Sony, not from you! It then cuts to her in a room. *'Lauren:' Welcome back, Culture Girl here for another video. This video will be a bit different as I'll show how much I'm pissed off with those idiotic decisions Disney is doing nowadays. Those last years have been a disappointment with the House of Mouse: they first announce a huge wave of live-action remakes, they basically forgot Touchstone exists, they then close their video game unit, killing Disney Infinity, and they're now about to buy 20th Century Fox, including FX and National Geographic, but excluding the Fox network, Fox News and Fox Sports. Is there a thing I'm not mad with Disney? Well, the Marvel movies are awesome, the Star Wars sequel trilogy is good, I'm liking those new Disney TV cartoons so far and Pixar only fucked up twice. Guess. I name them Cars 2 and The Good Dinosaur. The first was basically an unneeded sequel that screwed everything up and the second didn't feel like a Pixar film at all. It was so weird that I thought it was from Illumination at first. So, about the Fox thing, what will that mean? Will The Simpsons move to ABC? Will Anastasia be now a Disney Princess? Will the X-Men be in the MCU? This is bullshit! Suddenly, a glowing blur is shown. *'Lauren:' Huh? *'???:' You wanna fuck with me? *'Lauren:' Who said that? The figure reveals himself. *'Lauren:' Aw fuck! It's my worst nightmare! The one behind Disney! The figure is revealed as Walt himself, shown as a spirit like Mufasa. *'Walt:' You mock my company? She kneels down in panic. *'Lauren:' Are you to buy my channel? *'Walt:' No. For God's sake, stand up and behave! She does so. *'Lauren:' Mr. Walt, about what I said, I meant about your company nowadays. I said it a zillion times before: I don't hate Disney, what I hate is their overuse of twist villains, live-action remakes and the fact they don't give a fuck to their fans to keep relevance. They're basically screwing up your legacy. What should I do? Tell me! *'Walt:' Don't lose your hope. Behind that hideous stuff my successors made, you can still enjoy what made my company what is it today. *'Lauren:' The happiest place on Earth? *'Walt:' Bingo! He fades away as she has an idea. She grins. She grabs a notebook and starts writing. *'Lauren:' Well, that vision gave me some ideas of how to make Disney back to how it used to be. Remember that time Disney usually did those direct-to-video films of crappy quality during the 2000s? It might be odd to say this, but bring them back so Disney can give a chance to be unoriginal without doing live-action. Second, easy down with the CGI or at least limit it to Pixar. Guess how many 2D films there are in this decade. Yeah, almost all were direct-to-video and apparently almost all from Warner Bros. Even the second SpongeBob movie betrayed us and went partially CG. And it pains me to say that I liked the movie to one of the worst cartoons of all time more than the sequel to one of Disney's best CGI movies. Hell, even Warner's live-action/CGI take on Pokémon seems more lifeful than The Lion King remake. Don't limit 2D just to Disney Channel and Disney XD, try going back to your roots and make a new 2D Disney Princess. No need to brag but I do have some ideas. A subtitle shows up, saying "Have Scott Derrickson Direct One". *'Lauren:' I bet money I just blew up the comment section. Let me explain, has Disney ever done a 2D animated horror movie? (she hears voices) I doesn't need to be R. PG can fit perfectly. That's why I like A House With a Clock in Its Walls, it is a horror movie for kids. And there's a lot of stories that Disney can try. Like Dracula, Frankenstein, Cat People and a George Costanza gargoyle solo movie. Obviously not the last two because both of them would be a crime against nature. Well, what about Fox under Disney's hands? What would I suggest? The most obvious one is to stop with those useless Ice Age sequels. The series should have ended with the first one. Or if you want to redeem yourselves, do a final one where the gang reunites with the child and it ends with all of them dying. Okay, that one wasn't the best idea, but you get the idea: let it die already. You either die a hero (she shows posters for Treasure Planet, TBD) or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain (she shows posters for Norm of the North, Fast and the Furious, Sonic the Hedgehog and Ice Age). Well, what about The Simpsons? Yeah, it's Fox's #1 franchise, but it's no longer what it used to be. Yeah, the new episodes are a hit and miss, some are rather funny, others are not that funny, but if you want to end the show bringing back some of its former glory, do a finale movie. When the movie came out, we thought the show was no longer gonna exist, but they got us wrong. After reaching the big 30, I think it's finally time to put a brake on it. We already lost co-developer Sam Simon, Phil Hartman and Ms. Krabappel's actress and much of the cast will not last that long, some are already in their 70s. So, Disney please, end The Simpsons, that's why I suggest the second movie as the series finale. But well, what about live-action stuff? Don't use your problems with Johnny Depp as an excuse to reboot Pirates of the Caribbean. Don't touch that series ever again. It had a good run and it's too soon to think about a reboot. Also, there's some underrated masterpieces that deserve those adaptions more than the most famous ones. (cough) Sword in the Stone, Atlantis and TBD. (cough) Even a live-action/animated Mickey Mouse movie could work. The Looney Tunes did it twice and they were pretty good. But God, avoid doing an atrocity like the live-action/CGI Woody Woodpecker movie. Why, Universal, why? Why'd you treat your own mascot like crap? One more idea to make your company better, bring back some cancelled films. I mean you tried doing stories like about a bear, a sequel to a racist film and an elephant stripper before getting canceled. (notices) Wait, did that last one was really to happen? But you get it. Now that you're about to own Fox, a move I'm deeply disgusted at, so don't be afraid to take up risks and do some more mature TBD. * Category:Transcripts